Whether you are currently in a relationship or single, you will likely recognize the following if you’ve ever been in a relationship. And even if you are single, understanding this will help prepare you for your next relationship.
It has happened to the best of us. We get into a new relationship. We are excited, thinking we have found “The One”. Things are going great. And then one day, we wake up and realize that our life and relationship has become a little bit boring. Maybe routine.
We seem to have created routines. Maybe the sex life isn’t as active as it used to be. Maybe we’ve even put on a few pounds.
Certainly there are different versions of “routine”, but you get the idea right?
Sometimes people even mistakenly wonder if they are losing their spark, or falling out of love. You also may realize you still love this person, but you are just confused, thinking “Things use to be so exciting. And now, we just watch TV and eat dinner. What happened?”
How it happens
Now, let’s step back to the beginning of the relationship. If you are like most couples, that “New Love” stage is pretty exciting. You are discovering new things about each other. You are excited to better understand your new found soulmate. You want to know about their passions, their interests and their philosophies on life.
You are attracted to them, and desire the joy of physical connection, pleasure and passion.
You are also inwardly projecting your future together. Imagining your “happily ever after”.
Everything is new, and exciting and you are so high on love.. You feel indestructible and on top of the world.
And then, as time goes on, you better know the other person. You don’t need to hear again about the time your partner won a basketball game, or got drunk at prom.
In the beginning, there was so much undiscovered. And now, there is an inner mental file system labelled “All the things I know about my partner”. It has key memories they have shared. It includes what to expect when you make love. And there is also a slowly building special list of the things your partner does that irritates you.
And as you begin to feel more and more that you “know your partner”, you become less curious. And you begin to operate off of what you already know.
And as you do this, the level of excitement and the spark begins to lessen. And one day, you find yourself living in a routine where it’s rare that anything new and exciting is discovered or experienced.
But the routine becomes comfortable. So, at first it feels like stability and safety. Until the day it starts to feel restrictive. Until the day you start to wonder if something is wrong. Until the day some impulse inside you wants to find excitement again, and you struggle to figure out how to make it happen without upsetting the stability of the relationship.
The Key to Exciting Relationships is not intuitive.
What has frequently happened below the surface, is we have learned that the other person is a certain way. And they have learned we are a certain way. And we become acutely aware of trying to remain the person that our partner loves.
One common fear is that “if I change, he or she won’t love me anymore.” It’s not rational. And it may not even be conscious. But, there comes an unspoken agreement that “we need to keep things and ourselves the same so we are stable. I may lose you if I change.”
And this is where the trouble begins.
The nature of life is to grow, evolve and change. When we conspire against the natural order and try to keep things too consistent then we stagnate. And we also become afraid of anything that is unexpected or too far from our comfort zone. In this way of experiencing things, change brings fear. And in order to avoid fear, we cling to routine and the expected. Because change is threatening to “safe and comfortable”.
But when we do this, our Soul suffers. In order to not grow and change, we must pretend that our desires, passions, hopes, dreams and basic unmet needs don’t exist. We have to ignore our disappointments, not feel our inner sadness, or anger or frustration. We must disconnect from our own Inner Truth in order to keep things “safe”.
This is a problem for two reasons.
For one, you suffer. Life loses its passion. You sacrifice excitement for safety.
And two, your partner also suffers. Life loses its passion for your partner as well and he or she sacrifices excitement for safety.
So what is the path out? What’s the path back to excitement in a relationship that also honors the needs of both people to create some stability in the relationship?
Let’s go back to the early stage of relationship for a clue. You were both excited to discover new things about the other, and to learn everything you can about the other. You were both excited to experience the “newness” of what is undiscovered and possible in the new relationship.
What would happen if you were excited to discover new things about your partner again? What would happen if within the familiarity, trust and stability of a loving relationship, you both also focused on growing, evolving and experiencing new things?
What if you set aside that fear of change, and decided to follow your heart’s desire towards a new adventure, new career, new hobby, or new course of study?
What if you risked stability and shared your inner fears instead of ignoring them? What if you uprooted the limiting beliefs that had kept you feeling small, afraid and insecure and replaced them with confidence, radiant self-love and passion for life?
And what if your partner also did the same?
As you allow yourself to grow, to evolve and to connect with your Soul’s inner truth, life reawakens. Vibrancy and excitement returns to you. Clarity dawns and you find yourself enthusiastically in the flow of life again. Life IS Change, Growth and Transformation.
And as your partner also chooses to grow and evolve, the same happens for him or her.
And here’s the bonus: As your partner is growing and evolving, he or she is discovering new passions, new potentials, new experiences, new levels of success and new capacities for love, excitement, joy and aliveness. This means that as your partner grows and changes, you get to re-discover new things about your partner on an ongoing basis. Instead of thinking “I know everything about my partner”, you welcome discovering new things about them as they share their inner world and new adventures with you. Just like in the earlier, exciting stage of relationship you get to discover new things about your partner on a regular basis again.
And of course, your partner gets the excitement of rediscovering the new versions of you that evolve over time as well.
You get to support each other through the process. You get to share in the excitement of new levels of joy, freedom and success that you partner achieves. You get to watch the person you love blossom and flower into an even happier, more vibrant person.
The experience of life and relationship becomes exciting again. If you are both evolving and enjoying life, you infuse your relationship with the excitement and aliveness that it brings.
Here is the nutshell overview: By committing to a process of growth, healing and self discovery, you will bring passion back into your life. If you commit to this with your partner, you both reawaken passion for life. And that passion for life is brought into the relationship, which feeds the relationship. Plus you also get the excitement of experience both life and your partner as something which is evolving and transforming, rather than “static”. All within the safety and trust of a loving relationship.
So the unintuitive way to keep your relationship exciting, is actually for both partners to give attention to their own individual growth. To keep allowing yourself to imagine even higher potentials of success, love, adventure, purpose, abundance and joy, and then using the methods and healing practices that will help you keep evolving.
As you do this, you get your own exciting individual journey, and you also get to share the excitement of watching your partner grow as you offer support.
Of course, as the passion returns, you will find some common experiences to share together also. It will feed the relationship one way or another.
So, how do you go about the process of growth, healing and self discovery?
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